Friday, February 21, 2014
In Life
In life and I am only scratching the surface here, but my point is this:
We all must have our basic needs fulfilled for our very
survival. We all know this so I am not stating anything new here. Only our
parents or caretakers can do this as God intended and they do it lovingly. We
have no control over our care as babies but by the miracle of life and love of
family if we are so blessed to have we do thrive and are nurtured as we should
be as our very survival depends on it.
If we are lucky enough to come into the world and our
parents or caretakers take on the responsibilities of raising us and provide us
a name, a sense of who we are, safety, shelter, nourishment, unconditional love
and a sense of strength to learn from and be inspired by then we should thrive.
As we grow we also must realize that our parents for the most part are trying
their best to teach us self acceptance and provide us love and nurturing so we
can one day find out that we are special and deserving of our own friendships,
finding our inner peace, finding our true happiness, finding the joy we
deserve, finding the confidence we need so we can believe in ourselves to
prosper and find the recognition we all hope and long for so our lives mean
something to us, to our family, to our friends and to all who come into our
life circle. We also must realize that our parents also have weakness of their
own and can’t be held to a higher standard. They can only do what they can do
and if they know they tried their best then that is really all they can do
realistically.
We also need to find our spirituality through religion, the
bible and our Sunday school classes to live with the love we need in our heart
and the faith to live our life no matter what comes our way and our parents
lead us in that direction as does our teachers but the rest is up to us once we
are old enough to make our own decisions.
This is one of the most difficult to deal with because we
all have different observances of our faith but the most common component of
faith must ring true for each and every one of us for if we lose our
spirituality what hope will we ever truly have in our life. We all must believe
and have a faith and we all must respect one another and not judge them if
their beliefs differ from ours. That is the whole point of life. We all do not
conform to the same things or should we be expected to. We just have to
understand that we will have differences of opinion whether it has to do with
religion, politics, sex, gender or choice in our careers or decisions we make
based on our individual philosophies.
The meaning or purpose of our life is one of the hardest
things we all must face and one of the most troubling because what it means is
that we are now coming of age and must now take responsibility for ourselves. It
does not happen overnight but gradually and we all must find our middle ground
as we seek patience, love, guidance and trust. We must be attentive to our
parents, respectful, loving, caring and always striving to be the best we can
be whether it is in the classroom, at a dance recital, in a play acted on stage
in front of an audience, on a baseball diamond, on a math or spelling test or
at home when we are asked to do something by our parents.
If we as parents struggle with our children because of their
difficult behaviors and we are looked on as to blame or our children don't
respect us or just in the heat of the moment act out at us and if it is in a
public setting then how will we handle the situation without it becoming a
scene. We always have to maintain a sense of calm and always keep our guard up
always being on the defensive it seems when in reality we are just trying to
diffuse a bad situation when our autistic child has a meltdown in front of us
and strangers. To me that’s one of my biggest struggles because I do want to
take my son out and not lock him in the house just to protect him from harming
himself, us or anyone in his reach when he loses his composure. It just isn’t
fair to see my son beset with such struggle. I know struggle, believe me as I
truly do speak from experience. Autistic children and transgender children
although different suffer in many of the same ways.
Trust me on this. I know from two perspectives, as a child
knowing I was indeed a girl though I was born a boy and I still live with this
which is obvious as I am finally transitioning to become a woman. I also know
from the perspective of a parent in raising an autistic child who like myself
has always struggled with his confidence and self esteem. The only way I
survived was by over compensating to fool others into believing I was someone
who in reality was the furthest thing from the truth. In my heart I was a
delicate feminine girl who fancied pretty dresses and girly shoes but on the
surface I was a rough and tumble boy who excelled in baseball and in math. The
reality was that technically I was a girly girl who would be labeled a tomboy
because I had to pretend I was a boy who was really a girl inside. Sounds
confusing?
I am still trying to
figure it out. Anyone out there have an answer for this I would gladly welcome
your interpretation of my take on being born a boy with a girl mindset. I also
would love an answer to how I help an autistic boy feel better about himself
and start to enjoy his life. That really is my main concern and the answer I am
truly seeking. The reality it seems there is no common denominator type answer
because all autistic children are unique in their own way. I already lived my
whole life being transgender and I am finally doing something about it but I am
52. My son is only 14 so he is the one who truly needs the help. I survived and
now I am doing what I knew I always had to do. The hardest part is I really
liked Ed and thought he is a very kind and caring guy. I also have a wife I
love who thought I was a guy and I have a son who wants to believe I’m his
father but now he sees me as a girl and I just feel so guilty for all this pain
I inflicted on others when in reality all I ever wanted was my happiness, to be
expressive of my femininity and still have a family, a career, a house and to
share in the joy of raising a happy, successful and well adjusted child to
become a wonderful person as I tried to be in my own life without feeling pain,
guilt or sorrow. That is not so easy but that is why we dream. We want our
special needs child to not be in pain, to not suffer, to not hate life.
This is what parents of autistic children face day in and
day out and it finally took me several misfortunes to finally find myself in a
position I must now take full control over or else our family will not survive
and I will most likely do something that I would regret because it does not
have to be this way. The scary thing is it almost did happen and I had to spend
time in the hospital for it and luckily my doctor took control of the situation
or I would not be here to do what I need to which is to get my autistic son
right so he may have some kind of chance in life.
The job and career all of a sudden didn't mean all that much
to me anymore as a result of being let go from my recent source of employment
and knowing that I would have a great struggle ahead of me looking for
employment in one of the worst economies I have witnessed as a CPA.
This would only cause me more grief then it is worth. I
realize my financial worries front and center and I am already being threatened
by the mortgage company to foreclose on my house which in all sincere honesty
is not even worth half the price I paid for it.
If I lived in Tennessee my family would be living in a
mansion with multiple bathrooms, bedrooms, lavish kitchen, a large basement, a garage for 3 or more cars
and the largest of dining rooms and living rooms I could only dream of at this
point in my life.
We have a small Levitt house that has no basement, 1
bathroom that is hideous to look at, 3 small bedrooms, a small living
room/dining room combination, no garage and the tiniest of kitchens and still
we are unable to buy new furniture and couldn’t when we bought the house or
cottage I should say in 2004. I can’t be a slave to the mortgage company for
the next 20 years of my life for a shack nor could I subject this to my family.
That would be a tell tale sign that I indeed am insane if I subjected myself to
20 years hard labor to pay a mortgage on a house that doesn’t even suit our
needs and has gone so far down in value I couldn’t even give it away. I am fed
up with being meek and taken advantage of and now that I am becoming a woman I
will fight with the same intensity that a woman has and I will stick to my
principals and still be true to my femininity. I am also struggling with
mounting medical bills and credit card debt imposing interest rates as high as
33%.
I'd rather be dead
and have my wife receive my life insurance, pay the balance of the mortgage and
run from that house as fast as she can with Matty and her mom in tow and buy
that mansion in Tennessee that I will never see and if by miracle I did, I
would face discrimination as a transgender woman. What hope do I have when the
reality is my family would be better off if I were to die so they would have
financial protection. It breaks my heart to say it but that is my reality. I
very well have contemplated suicide and am taking antidepressants that also
contribute to my suicidal thoughts.
The mortgage company does not care that I overpaid for the
house when the market was at its height and if I were to be forced to sell I
would be very lucky if I did not still owe the mortgage company even after the
sale because currently the house (cottage) is not even worth half the price I
paid for it and if that was the case my mortgage balance would still not be
satisfied and we would wind up homeless in the streets trying desperately to
get our son into a residential school where he might have a chance to have some
form of normalcy in his life but the family would be destroyed. I would just
kiss my son goodbye, wish him well once I know he would be taken care of by his
mother and will be ok and I would quietly walk into the sunset hopefully with
my wife receiving my life insurance as I go to hopefully a much better place
free of the pain I have endured all throughout my life.
I once had optimism and hope and I truly wanted to teach
this to my son but sadly I was unable to because not only did I lose my parents
tragically and my son lost his grandpa at the age of 10 but my son also
remembers September 11, 2001 and he was only 2 ½ years old and at that point in
his young life as a little boy he lost his innocence as did most of us on that
very very sad day and to this day he still talks of that awful day trying to
convince himself it never happened and if I say otherwise he blames me. I just
can’t win no matter what I do. I am very sad and despite having my family and
finding my true self I still have to feel pain.
Also the school I studied Mechanical Engineering at back in
the early 1980’s,Virginia Tech was sadly in the news on April 16, 2007 where 33 souls were lost just
for going to class or being on campus not realizing their lives would be in
peril where all is supposed to be normal and safe. I went to the school and I
am so proud to say that and on that day I lost another sense of hope. I won’t
even discuss the Oklahoma City bombing where dead babies were victims of
another senseless tragedy. I was so affected and my son who is autistic is
ultra sensitive and it seems we have to almost keep him in a bubble to keep him
from these horrors but what good is that as it would just contribute more to
his illness. Life is supposed to be happy and fun and we know we are going to
die one day but for some although we are still here we already have died. Our
innocence has died a long time ago and that is truly tragic.
As a parent we want better for our children and I see how
tough life is today for us. What will it be like for my son who is 14, autistic
and lives his days wishing he could die. His doctors tell us he is Asperger’s
high functioning, yet he can’t tie his shoes, he refuses to wear pants that
require a belt and his diet consists of French fries, pizza and chicken nuggets
but when he eats it defies imagination.
I love my son and want to do whatever it takes but I am not
a miracle worker and I rely on doctors and teachers and therapists and social
workers and still there are no definitive answers. When I started my blog, A
Father’s Love, My Son and Autism I thought I was doing a good thing and that
was my intention from the beginning but with all the help our son has been
provided and all the doctors he has been seen by he still is a 5 year old in
his behavior and actions but age wise he is a teenager and he has become very
difficult and I sometimes just feel to
blame and if I were to die then our family would just be destined for pain and
sadness. It seems I am losing my faith and I desperately want my son to be
helped but I am not finding the proper help so I now must try my best, give up
my job aspirations which were nonexistent due to this long lasting economic
collapse.
My career as a CPA is now on hold as I am not sure with my
gender change how that will impact on my license but that is minor in the
scheme of our complicated family crisis. I finally realize I am only human and
am a mess emotionally due to seeing my son just worsen and becoming so
despondent about his life and I am and always will be a girl trapped and all I
ever wanted was to smile, have a family and raise a child, love him and equip
him with all the attributes that will help him become a man. Although I am a
woman at heart I still know how to teach my son to be a man. The problem I am
encountering is he is autistic, I am transgender and we both are severely
depressed. I suffered all my life hiding and living in fear and I would never
want my son to have to go through what I had to.
I never had a single person to talk to and there were times
when I thought I would be better off dead and the world would be a better place
without me because instead of fighting for what I was; I lived in denial, fear
and sought pity when in reality all I needed to do was seek help, not live in
fear and slowly find acceptance anyway I could. Life is not perfect though and
I lived through family tragedy and saw sad things and my parents who brought my
sisters and I into the world did a fine job in my opinion despite their
illnesses and I wish to do the same for my son Matty. What truly matters is
that we be there for our son or daughter and understand that they are not
perfect, we are not perfect and all we truly need in our lives aside from the
love, support and basics is to feel passion to do something noble in our life,
find true meaning and purpose in our life and most of all we need to find the
courage to share who we are and to never forget that we are special and should
never be told we are wrong just because we are different.
I managed to run track and cross county, play baseball,
excel in math and science, study both mechanical engineering and accounting in
college. I attained my CPA and I married and we are blessed with our son Matty.
I just wish that he could realize that despite his issues he is precious and
should never doubt himself. He is a good kid who just needs help and guidance
& someone not related to tell him they believe in him and help motivate him
and inspire him.
It is hard for us but I know the work I have ahead of me
just to get him situated. I’m thinking the best thing for him is a change of
doctors, a change of schools to a residential setting where he can hopefully
thrive and live healthier. I know I can’t afford this and would have to rely on
the school district to help us. I have to be the strongest advocate for my son
and I need to be Emily in the process. This is not an overnight situation just
like healing depression is not an overnight fix. This may take years and from
what I understand with special needs children they are entitled to educational
assistance and guidance until the age of 21. My son is my priority and the most
important job in my life I ever had. I can no longer work at this point and I
am burnt out and suffering from lifelong depression and gender dysphoria.
Other traits and attributes we need to survive have to do
with the faith that we hold true to, the achievements we strive for based on
our hopes, dreams and goals, the ability to cope with all that comes our way
because in life as we learned we will encounter many things and not everything
is pleasant. Sometime we have to suffer whether it is physical, emotional,
within our control, beyond our control or all at the same time. We all will
probably want to enjoy the material things which quite frankly never really
affected me because I could never afford them anyway and that was not my
priority in life.
Life is not about mansions or how many cars we drive or how
much money we have in the bank. You think our ancestors from the stone-age
cared about these material things? I don't think so!
For me what I have come to understand is that family matters
and family is really all we have and family hopefully can weather adversity and
difficult times. My son is my life and I would do anything for him but the one
thing I need from him is his willingness to do his best, his desire to find his
way with our help of course and a change from his negative outlook to a more
positive one. I also want him to be mature and accountable for his actions. The
last thing I ask of him is his respect of all people, his understanding that
difference is ok and tolerance is a definite in approaching life and relations
with others.
I need to find strength, become the woman I always knew I
would become since I realized I was a girl a long time ago and I need to find
my son the help he so desperately needs and I will promise myself that I will
dress as pretty as I need to. It’s not about me but I also have to take care of
myself so I can take care of my son. Next time you take a plane flight you will
know what I am referring to. It goes without saying.
I knew I had to be Emily and when I decided that I feel
rejuvenated and since being on female hormones and testosterone blockers for a little over a year I feel much more
happier and my gender dysphoria is now being addressed in the proper way as I
am seeking ongoing treatment at Beth Israel Hospital for my depression,
Callen-Lorde Community Health Center for my transgender issues and the LGBT
support groups in the city and near Roosevelt Field for friendship, solidarity,
support and inspiration. I am making progress as the girl I always knew I was
and on that front I feel great.
I am dressing pretty, going to my doctor appointments as
female and essentially living full time as a woman in presentation though I
still need makeup and electrolysis and have no plans for surgery. I most likely
will never be able to have surgery because I need to see that my son is taken
care of and that is more important than the surgery. I’m not saying I don’t
need the surgery. Of course I want it but that is a sacrifice I would have to
make because I hope to use the little savings I have plus my son’s college fund
for his education which I hope is something that will happen for him. I want
him to realize his true potential. What would be the point of my becoming Emily
if my son wishes he was never born or would want to die at a young age, This
truly would break Emily’s heart and then I would come to the conclusion that
life is meaningless and pointless if all my struggles were just to see my son
take his own life due to his suffering. What kind of messed up life is that? If
that were the fate handed us then I may as well just go now because I would be
devastated and then I would do what my dad did and then I would see that Life
and pain are intertwined. You can’t have one without the other. That is just
cold hearted reality. It just explains why suicide can be an option for some
sadly. I never want to face that but I unfortunately have come to see why
people do come to that point in life and rather die than suffer any more.
My poor dad, Matty's grandpa one day just decided without
telling anyone and this is all conjecture on my part because on the surface he
seemed ok but I believe he just stopped enjoying life despite all the wonderful
things he accomplished and the family he had who loved him and we all knew he
was very special and this is just all so tragic, I just can't help but cry
knowing my dad hid his pain inside until he no longer could and finally reached
his breaking point.
You know at 73 life is not as easy as it was at 43 but he
had a life and a good one despite his pain and suffering and grieving. He lived
because he knew he had to protect his family and one day he felt he no longer
was needed in his mind or was seriously depressed or possibly affected by
alcohol when he jumped into the path of a speeding train and changed the course
of life as we know it for our family on April 16, 2009. Sure I knew my dad
would die one day but the way he died and knowing my mother starved herself to
death in the hospital 20 years earlier because no one could help her just makes
me wonder why life has to be so painful.
That unfortunately does happen sometimes when a person says
they had enough and just wishes to end their pain. Let's face it and I hate to
be a downer here but as I get older I find it is not pleasant to age and if it
wasn't for the sake that I was transitioning from male to female I don't know
if I could go on. The only thing is if I was forced to continue life as a male
which to me would be difficult to do I would have to go on to ensure my son
that he would be protected. The fact is I am still needed here for my son and
family. My business is not yet done as my son truly needs me. I have to be the
voice of reason and although I have been in 3 different psychiatric hospitals
in the past 6 months on 4 different occasions I feel I am completely sane and
know what I have to do for my son. I know I am seeking help and I am very
rational and I have a voice to speak with.
I have a mission that I always knew lied ahead of me and
that will be mine until the day I die which is to see that my son will be, in
simple terms; happy, comfortable, confident, content, sincere, honest,
respectful, educated, inspirational, abundant with friendships, loved, devoted
to his faith and most of all able to live his life knowing that he is very
special and deserves to have a good life and be able to have the same
opportunities like you, me or whoever. It took me nearly half a century to
realize this in my own life and in dealing with my personal situation and
personal struggle it really is very simple.
I just wish my son could see the light and have doctors on
his side that can truly help him rather than the system pointing fingers and
placing blame on us for no reason. Does Child Protective Services or Police
realize the incredible stress and difficulty imposed on the family as an
autistic child gets older and stronger and poses a danger to himself, his
family and anyone near him during a crisis? I just can’t figure these agencies
out and their motivation for unjustified decisions as CPS gave me an
“indicated” when I was just released from two psychiatric hospitals after
losing my job, getting threatening letters from the mortgage company and in the
aftermath of my having a nervous breakdown and being on antidepressants and all
I did was call 911 since I needed help controlling my son who was getting out
of control and nearly killed me with his own hands because my poor son is sick
and not able to control himself and he is getting stronger. The doctors for
years diagnosed my son as high functioning. I’d like to know what they’re
drinking because they clearly are not seeing the true picture and I’m afraid
that I will have to die to finally get my autistic son the help he needs.
Whenever I call 911 for emergency assistance because my son
is a threat to himself and to me and has held me in a death grip nearly killing
me and I can’t protect myself from that
so I call for help and the police blame me and say it’s my fault and that I’m
the one who should be in the hospital when it is quite clear I am crying for
help for my son and no one is listening, not even the law. Is it me or is there something not quite right
with the system? My life is literally at stake and I just don’t know how much
more of this pain I can stand but I feel I am getting close to breaking point
which means suicide is looming. I wonder if this writing is my suicide note or
my desperate pleas for help for my son. Only time will tell and unfortunately I
don’t think there is much time or hope. I just feel destined for tragedy and I
so waned to help my son and live as Emily. What can I say, Life is filled with
too much pain and sorrow for me to continually handle. We need help and that is
the plain truth.
All I came here with when I was placed into my mother’s arms
by the nurse was the love of my parents and when it is my time I hope and pray
that I will be comforted by my family and some friends and wish to hear my son
say "Dad, (Emily) I will be ok thanks to you and mom with my wife by my
side as I smile and give my son a hug for the last time and say good luck kid,
I will miss you! I love you and your mommy and I just want you to be happy
which is all I truly ever wanted for all of us as I close my eyes and go to
sleep knowing my son will be ok and my wife too.
I refuse to go quietly into the night. Not now anyway! I
have very important work to do. I need to advocate for my son.
My story and my son's and family’s story still unfolds as I
write this and I am praying for a positive outcome.
What we need is a miracle!
Emily Iannielli
Friday, February 14, 2014
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