Saturday, November 30, 2013
Transsexual Suicide
Transgender Suicide
the times we are alone can be helpful as we all need some time to ourselves to reflect and find what is most important in our life which for most of us are our family and the times we spend with our children. that is why it is important to spend as much time with your children and plan fun things together because time is fleeting and one day you will wish you had the opportunity to be there more often for them.
the difficult part of feeling alone is the painful isolation and the struggle with depression. i truly believe as we get older we are more prone to depression and feelings of loneliness and that is very difficult to cope with. facing reality may be one of the toughest things we have to deal with and when faced with adversity and struggling with emotional and internal pain only complicates matters.
Emily's Hubpages
the things that make me happy are the outings with my son, seeing my son smile, the dining out with my wife and family on those special occasions, taking family trips, presenting my true self, wearing pretty clothes, feelings of accomplishment, finding acceptance, making a friend, walking by the seashore, listening to the golden oldies, remembering the fun times of my childhood, feeling love within the family even if it is dysfunctional and learning that we all are special in our own way and despite our differences we are each unique and should never feel ashamed.
it is quite a struggle when as a small child you feel different and that something is not right but you have no one to talk to and you keep it inside. It really is a very painful experience to go through life struggling constantly with your gender identity and making it seem like everything is fine when deep down you are crying and feeling lost, alone and very isolated. many transgender people sadly don't really get to realize their true selves with all the obstacles they face. it is a tragedy when someone who is transgender faces rejection, abandonment of family, friends, employers and as a result for many, their hopes, dreams and goals are thwarted due to ignorance and societal standards and pressures that the only way to end their pain is to take their life. It is a fact that transgender individuals suffer all throughout their life and for some it is just too much to bear that they decide they can't go on and they lose the will. Why is it so hard for society to understand that sometime a child born male anatomically is really female in their mind, heart and soul. To me it makes perfect sense because that is how i felt all my life and i lived in secrecy, in pain and in denial and it just is a very sad situation.
Emily's Youtube videos
beautiful-transgender-women
for many transgender they live their life with a painful secret and try to fit the mold they were born into and carry on with their lives finding love, having a career, raising a family and being what society says they should be. The issue with this is that not everyone born male feels comfortable as male. on the outside they are but on the inside they are female and spend their whole life struggling with this until they come to accept themselves and finally transition to finally be set free. I remember when I was just a kid how wonderful i felt putting on a dress and sleeping under the covers the whole night with it on. only i knew it and it was something i had to keep my biggest secret. i felt so happy and knew i was a girl in every way inside and had to face the painful reality that i had to be raised a boy and i cried and hurt inside but i tried my best to cope and live a normal life. i must say that i have been blessed with having a family of my own. i have a supportive wife who realizes this is real and a son who i love and will always try my best to be their for him and i have felt tremendous guilt springing this on my family because i never wanted to ever hurt anyone.
i am comfortable presenting as a female and i will live this way for the rest of my life because that is who I am. i have touched people as they have touched me with their acceptance and I also have been shunned by people who just can't accept or understand it. i don't judge others and i never did. only God can judge us and so i live the life i feel is right for me and that is dressing in pretty clothes, wearing lite makeup, taking care of my skin and finally getting my hair styled in a female style as i am growing it out and hopefully can put the wig aside.
emily-iannielli's-story/\
Emily Iannielli on About Me
i also have a commitment to my family and must forge on despite the recent setbacks i have recently faced after losing my job and losing a sense of myself and winding up in different hospitals on 4 separate occasions within the past 3 months due to my depression and transgender issues i struggled with for my whole life. i have always been a strong person but it was a quiet strength and it kept me going and i must summon that strength because when you are faced with the reality of possibly losing your house and realizing that it is going to be very difficult finding a job being transgender even as a professional that i desperately have to focus on my depression which for me has been chronic and very painful. i was good at hiding it but since i hit 50 it became harder and harder for me to keep my gender identity secret and realized it was now or never and for me i did not want to go to my grave never being true to myself. to me that would be very tragic. i am doing all i have to so i can heal but it will take time and i must rely on services that will help protect my family.
my son is my most precious gift and i wish for him to find his way and happiness in life and although he is diagnosed with autism he can do many wonderful things. I had to hide my whole life and pretend and i would never want that to happen to my son.
life is to be lived, to be shared, to learn, to achieve, to take responsibility, to feel pain, to feel joy, to work, to have fun, to marry, to raise children, to buy a house, to be true to oneself and to find your happiness.
we come into the world welcomed and loved by family and hopefully leave this world loved, respected and accepted by family.
life is to be lived but once so find who you are and be your very best.
emily
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Emily speaks about all that is important to her
Emily is speaking and telling it like it is. She is empowered as a woman now and she feels so happy living as the female she always knew she was since the age of 4 when she would cry herself to sleep wanting desperately to awake as a "girl". She is out of the closet, speaking up, advocating for her son and autism and herself and the transgender community.
Emily is going through a lot emotionally and had attempted suicide twice and is very fortunate to have wonderful doctors, caring family (wife, son and mother-in-law) and kind and understanding friends from my high school days who had a nice party for me at Hemingway's in Wantagh, NY last Friday where they all embraced me, accepted me, complimented me and made me feel so happy. I even have my high school cross country coach who is in my life and very concerned for my son and I and has treated us to lunch and was happy to see us.
My son needs help and is currently in the hospital where we are working together to have him placed in a long term care facility while he awaits entry into a residential school. I am trying to maintain my optimism but feel so very sad to see my son having such emotional and behavioral difficulties. I pray for him to heal, for my wife who is going through a rough time and is seeking support from her friends because she is so stressed and concerned for both Matty and myself to feel better and for my finding my inner pace and happiness.
Love,
Emily
Emily on Youtube
Emily's About Me Page
Emily is going through a lot emotionally and had attempted suicide twice and is very fortunate to have wonderful doctors, caring family (wife, son and mother-in-law) and kind and understanding friends from my high school days who had a nice party for me at Hemingway's in Wantagh, NY last Friday where they all embraced me, accepted me, complimented me and made me feel so happy. I even have my high school cross country coach who is in my life and very concerned for my son and I and has treated us to lunch and was happy to see us.
My son needs help and is currently in the hospital where we are working together to have him placed in a long term care facility while he awaits entry into a residential school. I am trying to maintain my optimism but feel so very sad to see my son having such emotional and behavioral difficulties. I pray for him to heal, for my wife who is going through a rough time and is seeking support from her friends because she is so stressed and concerned for both Matty and myself to feel better and for my finding my inner pace and happiness.
Love,
Emily
Emily on Youtube
Emily's About Me Page
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Emily speaking on her life, family and friends
I'm concerned for my 14 year old son who is autistic and is in hospital for severe depression and a suicide attempt and I am currently not working myself as I had a "nervous breakdown" as a result of my recent job loss in April 2013 which landed me in 4 hospitals over the last 6 months and I am also transitioning from male to female having struggled with it since the age of 4 and I too sadly have attempted suicide.
I can tell you I am a "good" person but most people say who cares? You know something. I care. My life is not so "pretty" but it is my life and I must try my best to live it for me, now Emily, once Ed; for my son who needs me and for my wife. Life is not perfect nor are we but what is inside of us is a representation of who we are and that is all we need to know and strive for.
My situation now is quite dire and my future uncertain but I am really trying to get through my adversities one by one and will share my story with you so at least you can get to know a little bit about me and why right now is difficult for me as I am dealing with life and death issues and my son and my lives are hanging in the balance. A job to me does not have the same meaning as it once did as I have come to understand what is most important in life.
I was out last night with wonderful people who I have not seen in a very long time out of their love, compassion and true heartfelt concern for me because of my recent hardships and my recent postings on Facebook.
These wonderful people were my high school classmates of the John F. Kennedy High school class of 1979, mostly girls, I mean lovely young ladies, whom I must say made me feel accepted, loved and that my life has meaning and despite all my recent hardships I have to continue for my son and my family. They appreciate me for who I am and reserve no judgement of me. They say I still am the "nice" person I always was back in high school but now they also add that I am also very pretty which really touched me because of the life long struggle I lived with of identifying as a "girl".
My coach from my cross country days was there as well who means the world to me as he made me believe in my self back in high school when I was just this clumsy and very shy kid who could not say a word and although I had crushes on many of the girls back then like Rachel, Janet, Beth and so many others I could never overcome my shyness to even say "hi, I like you" to them.
Coach, Alan J Berkowsky made me first believe in myself when no one else did, not even myself, as he helped transform this shy, sad, introverted and loner type kid into a young "man" who learned that by simply trying and putting forth your best effort even if it falls short in a competition is all that is expected of you. You first have to try though because if you never try you will never know and that is one of life's most important lessons he taught me. He taught me many things and I often wondered if one day I could ever have the opportunity to see him again to shake his hand, embrace him and say thank you for saving me.
He really made such an impact in my life. He was truly my savior. If not for my dear coach I may not be here today. Despite my recent struggles, Coach saved my life and he never even knew that but I did. I could not disappoint my coach so I listened to him intently and followed everything he told me. He truly is very special to me and I really admire him and am so grateful to him for being a very big part of my life when I was struggling and needed someone to help and guide me and there he was. My coach, my savior, my mentor, my friend for life like so many others who came to be with me for the evening.
I was out last night with wonderful people who I have not seen in a very long time out of their love, compassion and true heartfelt concern for me because of my recent hardships and my recent postings on Facebook.
These wonderful people were my high school classmates of the John F. Kennedy High school class of 1979, mostly girls, I mean lovely young ladies, whom I must say made me feel accepted, loved and that my life has meaning and despite all my recent hardships I have to continue for my son and my family. They appreciate me for who I am and reserve no judgement of me. They say I still am the "nice" person I always was back in high school but now they also add that I am also very pretty which really touched me because of the life long struggle I lived with of identifying as a "girl".
My coach from my cross country days was there as well who means the world to me as he made me believe in my self back in high school when I was just this clumsy and very shy kid who could not say a word and although I had crushes on many of the girls back then like Rachel, Janet, Beth and so many others I could never overcome my shyness to even say "hi, I like you" to them.
Coach, Alan J Berkowsky made me first believe in myself when no one else did, not even myself, as he helped transform this shy, sad, introverted and loner type kid into a young "man" who learned that by simply trying and putting forth your best effort even if it falls short in a competition is all that is expected of you. You first have to try though because if you never try you will never know and that is one of life's most important lessons he taught me. He taught me many things and I often wondered if one day I could ever have the opportunity to see him again to shake his hand, embrace him and say thank you for saving me.
He really made such an impact in my life. He was truly my savior. If not for my dear coach I may not be here today. Despite my recent struggles, Coach saved my life and he never even knew that but I did. I could not disappoint my coach so I listened to him intently and followed everything he told me. He truly is very special to me and I really admire him and am so grateful to him for being a very big part of my life when I was struggling and needed someone to help and guide me and there he was. My coach, my savior, my mentor, my friend for life like so many others who came to be with me for the evening.
I saw my best friend from high school who came from the Bronx who knows what it is like to raise an autistic child and who accepts me as Emily Iannielli but still refers to me as "little eddie" a nickname he gave me which stuck throughout my high school days and throughout my life.
The beautiful thing about life which I learned last night which touched me and made me feel so happy was being invited to a party at a restaurant by a former classmate who arranged it to help lift my spirits as we dined among some former classmates, mostly girls and my cross country coach which made me smile and understand how we touch others and how we all make an impact on one another. I know my coach made a big impact for me and made me start to believe in myself. I was so happy to see such wonderful caring people who truly touched my heart and embraced me as Emily. I was never so happy in all my life; with the exception of my wedding day and the birth of my son; I just wanted to cry then and there. I now know what it is like to touch someone and to also be touched by someone. I also am now happy to say that I have more "girlfriends" from my high school days today then I ever did when I was a shy and lonely kid back in high school but was lucky because I had a coach who believed in me and saved my life. I realized something which I am saying lightheartedly but I truly mean it which is that I felt blessed to know and see how many girls came to spend time with me to help cheer me up. They really touched me in such a big way and they even complimented me on how I looked, on my dress I was wearing and they embraced me immediately as Emily. I am so lucky to have such wonderful caring high school friends in my life.
Now as the new me, Emily
I must tell you that once you meet me you will never forget me as I am quite unique. I'm not saying that in a way to be misinterpreted as being smug. In fact I am most certainly as humble as one can be.
I am certainly happy to have my wife and son hoping that our circumstances will change for the better and I hope and pray that I will be accepted more and more as a female, as Emily. I also would love to develop life long friendships with each and every one of you whether you were there or tried to be there or just was thinking of me, I am truly grateful and deeply touched as you all made me realize the value of our lives even when we feel hopeless and think that by ending our own pain by our own hand is the answer. The life we have been given is a gift with a purpose and we may as well enjoy it. We must try to enjoy living it while we are still here despite the setbacks and imposing hardships because I learned something also very special. I learned I have so many friend who care about me and I am still here alive to appreciate it rather than viewing it from a distance at my funeral which would be quite honorable but also very tragic.
Bette Middler's
From a distance
The beautiful thing about life which I learned last night which touched me and made me feel so happy was being invited to a party at a restaurant by a former classmate who arranged it to help lift my spirits as we dined among some former classmates, mostly girls and my cross country coach which made me smile and understand how we touch others and how we all make an impact on one another. I know my coach made a big impact for me and made me start to believe in myself. I was so happy to see such wonderful caring people who truly touched my heart and embraced me as Emily. I was never so happy in all my life; with the exception of my wedding day and the birth of my son; I just wanted to cry then and there. I now know what it is like to touch someone and to also be touched by someone. I also am now happy to say that I have more "girlfriends" from my high school days today then I ever did when I was a shy and lonely kid back in high school but was lucky because I had a coach who believed in me and saved my life. I realized something which I am saying lightheartedly but I truly mean it which is that I felt blessed to know and see how many girls came to spend time with me to help cheer me up. They really touched me in such a big way and they even complimented me on how I looked, on my dress I was wearing and they embraced me immediately as Emily. I am so lucky to have such wonderful caring high school friends in my life.
Now as the new me, Emily
I must tell you that once you meet me you will never forget me as I am quite unique. I'm not saying that in a way to be misinterpreted as being smug. In fact I am most certainly as humble as one can be.
I am certainly happy to have my wife and son hoping that our circumstances will change for the better and I hope and pray that I will be accepted more and more as a female, as Emily. I also would love to develop life long friendships with each and every one of you whether you were there or tried to be there or just was thinking of me, I am truly grateful and deeply touched as you all made me realize the value of our lives even when we feel hopeless and think that by ending our own pain by our own hand is the answer. The life we have been given is a gift with a purpose and we may as well enjoy it. We must try to enjoy living it while we are still here despite the setbacks and imposing hardships because I learned something also very special. I learned I have so many friend who care about me and I am still here alive to appreciate it rather than viewing it from a distance at my funeral which would be quite honorable but also very tragic.
Bette Middler's
From a distance
Emily with her new first ever female hairstyle, highlights and the royal treatment
Emily on Transgender Remembrance Day
My son Matty, so innocent before all his painful struggles of late, I just want to cry.
Emily showing her pain and love for her son
Emily, a voice for her son, autism and transgender community
Emily on About me where she shares her story to let others know it is ok to be "different"
My about me page tells my life story with links and paints a portrait of Emily, her life and all those important to her.
Ed on About Me (Pre-Emily)
This is my about me page before my transition from male to female as Ed. Now i am living as Emily 24/7.
I Love you all,
Emily
Emily on Transgender Remembrance Day
Emily speaking from the heart
Emily speaking from the heart continued
My about me page tells my life story with links and paints a portrait of Emily, her life and all those important to her.
Ed on About Me (Pre-Emily)
This is my about me page before my transition from male to female as Ed. Now i am living as Emily 24/7.
I Love you all,
Emily
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Cassadee Pope - Wasting All These Tears
My son who is 14 and is suffering from depression and sadly is really struggling for his life as we watch helplessly trying to help him but I too am struggling with depression and just started transitioning to become female as I lived with this internal struggle since the age of 4 and I too attempted suicide and wonder how I am still living. I am still a "dad" to my son and my son still as he should refer to me as his dad and calls me by my birth name which is still my name, Eddie. I however use as an aka (also known as) Emily as my male to female transgender name. I also recently attempted suicide at age 52 on June 19 and have been in 3 different psychiatric hospitals since April 9, 2013 when I collapsed at work from all my struggles coming at me all the same time and I was in desperate need of help.
My recovery is still ongoing and I am facing forclosure, losing our son because we may wind up homeless in the winter and I felt the only way to protect my wife and son and end my pain was to take it to protect my wife and son from being homeless. When you are desperate and feel all hope is lost this is naturally always in the back of your mind. My dad took his life 4 years ago by leaping into the path of a speeding train. The only thing now that keeps me going is knowing my son needs me even though i now present as Emily which is how I feel most comfortable. It is not easy and beleive me if you kept this you "big secret" for 50 years and still managed to live a somewhat normal life then there must be a reason for me to go on especially now as i live 24/7 as Emily but if my son struggles and is unhappy how can I ever be happy. If my son does not get through this I know I won't either. We both need each other to survive and that is why I must be strong.
The only things I have now that helps me is my need to advocate for my son, for autism, for suicide awareness, for myself, my wife, my son and my parents for depression and for myself and the transgender community. My way of doing this is by my writings and my youtube videos. If I didn't have that I feel I would not be having this opportunity to write and share and express my appreciation for such wonderful music artists as Cassadee Pope and Hey Monday.
I am healing as is my son and it will take a long time but if I continue to advocate for my son, write and express my love and respect for others maybe things will get better.
Emily breaks down for her son who is uppermost in her mind
One can only hope.
I wish to share this section for Cassadee Pope, her music and how she helped a "father" and son form a bond through something as simple as a song in a youtube video my son showed me. The rest is history as i have been a friend of Cassadee ever since. Here she shines in her wonderful performance on the 3rd season of The TV show, The Voice.
Emily on Google+
Cassadee Pope featured with Band Hey Monday on my Hubpages
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Emily shares her pain, her struggles and her thoughts on life, family, friends and why thoughts of suicide plague her
Emily
Emily
The Serenity PrayerGod, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.
Author - Reinhold Niebuhr
Emily on About Me
Matty and me at Montauk Point
Emily
Emily Part 1
Emily Part 2
Emily on Autism, TG and Life
You know that your in trouble when you finally realized your true gender identity and revel in it but find the challenges of life are dragging you down with severe depression and wanting to just go to sleep forever. That is such a painful feeling because I love my son, my family and being Emily but in my present state of mind I am unable to work with people. In fact I have social phobias working in an office setting with all the "office politics" which never interested me. I was there to work. I have such a beautiful wardrobe of very pretty and very feminine clothes and I know I can't take them with me when I die nor can I undo what has already been done. All I can do is hope and pray for better days because it would be such a tragedy to finally break through to be a woman after nearly 50 years only to succumb to financial worries, depression and a sense of hopelessness. My sense of enjoyment was never tied to my jobs but I knew I needed to work to pay my bills and now I can't work because I am a mess emotionally due to all my recent setbacks:
1) job loss
2) severe depression
3) life long struggle with gender identity since age of 4 knowing in my heart I was truly a "girl"
4) financial struggles
5) Inability to work due to severe depression, phobias of being around people, fear of being ridiculed, fear of rejection, fear of discrimination
6) Fear of going into foreclosure and being homeless
7) Fear of having to put my son in a home since he is doing miserably in school and has no outlets or friends and is 14 years old and going through a rough time and also struggles with autism, depression and low self esteem
8) Abandonment of family(my 2 sisters and family relatives)
9) Abandonment of friends
10) Loss of interest in my life
11) Feeling the life insurance will better serve my family than I can due to my complete emotional breakdown and outing myself as a male to female transgender
12) Constant thoughts of suicide
13) Feeling very isolated and alone despite having my wife, son and mother-in-law
14) The boredom of life
15) Reaching my 50's has been hard and transitioning towards becoming a woman right now and my son is the only things keeping me going
16) Desiring the full sex change operation but realizing I have more important things to worry about than having a complete female transition such as providing an education for my son and shelter for my wife, son and mother-in-law
17) Exhausting my retirement monies and being solely dependent on SSD and LTD and if I lose any I will most likely call it quits because I can't work at this point and even if I tried I would encounter a nervous breakdown
18) Realizing if we did a short sale I would lose all the money I put into this house and due to it's significant decline in value I lost big time and would still owe mortgage company because our house currently is worth less than my mortgage.
19) Disillusioned with life, government. economy, job market and reality of still having 20 years left on my mortgage and I am behind by 2 months and the magic number for foreclosure is 3 which would likely push me over the edge
20) Realizing that I want to die more than I want to live but am currently trying to hold on despite my inner struggles, worries for my son and worries for our very survival knowing I have life insurance that will be adequate to protect my family in the event I leave this place whether at my own hands or God's will and how do I know if by my own hands is not God's will. It very well may be the case.
21) Tired of the daily boring mundane life I live knowing that traditionally we retire into our 70's and then most likely die. What is the point of that. In my book that is not living or enjoying life. That is involuntary servitude and entrapment which means I have no life.
22) Puts it all into perspective for me why many have taken their lives and my dad did 4 years ago and so did my cousin so what will prevent me from doing so. In all honesty I don't know. All I know is that if I get desperate enough then that is the way it most likely will be. I would have the courtesy of leaving a note for my wife with all my insurance information if that was to be the scenario of my tortured life.
Did you know that the suicide rate for people suffering from transgender especially since young childhood is more than 50% and when you fuel it with depression it is not out of the realm of possibility to just check out because life has become too painful and everything you believed in was a lie.
So very sad to feel this way.
I am seeing doctors due to my downward spiral and still not sure what the end result will be but I know I wish I could turn my pain into something positive so I can help my son and my family and enjoy being Emily. The question is am I emotionally equipped to get through all these struggles. Only time will tell and the presence of my mindset as right now I am very vulnerable and heartbroken for all the pain I feel with no sense of hope. A Life of being different can catch up with you as it has with me.
So very sad to feel this way.
I am seeing doctors due to my downward spiral and still not sure what the end result will be but I know I wish I could turn my pain into something positive so I can help my son and my family and enjoy being Emily. The question is am I emotionally equipped to get through all these struggles. Only time will tell and the presence of my mindset as right now I am very vulnerable and heartbroken for all the pain I feel with no sense of hope. A Life of being different can catch up with you as it has with me.
If things take a turn for the worse with the situation at hand then the scenario indicated below most likely will play out but I am not advocating for it but after all, I am only human and have weakness and vulnerabilities. Life is not so good when my two sisters ignore me and abandon me and my son punches me in the face and tries to kill me and my wife blames me for everything and the mortgage company is in a rush to take away my house with letters, phone calls and visits to my house.
I most likely will not be accepted as Emily by anyone due to my disability, depression, time out of work, history of being in psychiatric hospitals and overall feelings hopelessness and history of family suicide. If your life became so painful even when you have found happiness as a "girl" finally only to be dragged down by all these painful circumstance how could you even consider wanting to go on?
I feel life is so perplexing, painful and sad with some moments of joy and happiness but in the end we all die anyway.
Emily
Unfortunate Scenario
Once I am assured my life insurance current premium due with the AICPA is paid, though currently is late, due to my financial and medical hardships and that it won't lapse and the policy will be paid out to my family since I meet the 2 year suicide clause requirement mandated by NYS then I will prepare to say my final farewell to my family and to each and every one of you as both Ed and as Emily.
I can say I lived an interesting life but I am suffering too much and will likely not get much better despite all the wonderful effort of my doctors and some really great friends from my HS days such as Jerry, Teddy, Coach, Marty, Brian, Sandy, the friends I established from the JFK cross country team like Scott, among many others.
What about all the girls I used to have crushes on back then but could not say a word too them because of my painful shyness; like Janet, Beth (Actually there are many Beth's), Tracy, Barbara, Bari, Rachel, Dorothy, Lori, Patty, Lisa, Donna, Peri, Bay, Sharon, Susan, Michelle, Cindy, Wendy, Amy, Carol, Ronni, Jill, Judy, Carole, Shari, Jacqueline, Karen, Camille, Meryl, Tammy, Kerri, Daryl, Risa, Laurie, Melissa, Lynn, Jane, Nancy, Rona, Robin, Jodi, Adrienne, Jackielynn, Pamela and so many others which I am sorry for missing to say your name as my memory isn't what it once was due to my extreme depression that is sapping me of all my will to keep going on. I will miss you as you all were my role model as beautiful, intelligent and very sweet young women. I dreamed of a life as a "girl" every day and it is a shame I could never share it with you girls or anyone for that matter.
The hardest part for me is my son who I love dearly and wish to help with my heart and soul but am unable to. My wife hopefully will find the best resources for him and I at least started the process by advocating for him although it seems he and I both need a miracle. Personally, I never felt happier in all my life as Emily, the "girl" I always knew I was from deep within my soul but I can never find happiness if my son continues to struggle and the doctors don't seem to be helping.
It was the hardest thing in my life to have to face but after turning 50 and suffering the tragic suicide of my dad 2 years earlier and the unexpected death of my best friend Moises who was only 40 leaving behind a wife and baby girl forced me to seek therapy and literally open up to her in such a way that I cried as I finally knew what I had to do to find peace and happiness in my life despite my son and family. I was so confused and desperate that I literally had a nervous break down but for me to feel happy was to become the "girl" and please don't misinterpret me.
I was very happy the day I married my wife and she gave birth to my son but there was something truly missing in my life and after a breakdown, loss of job and 4 hospitalizations in psychiatric hospitals I knew what I had to do. I started on HRT and electrolysis in my transition to become a "girl" which I knew a long time ago when I would cry myself to sleep hiding under the covers in a cute dress I "borrowed" from my sister without asking. It was my security blanket and it made me feel happy inside. Sadly as Emily which I am so happy being, I still have a family to take care of but am unable to work and have more social phobias now within the context of working within an office environment and on trains and crowds.
I would feel very insecure despite my background, professionalism, experience and skill set. It breaks my heart but the only way to save my family and avoid foreclosure is to end my life as both Ed and Emily so my family will be protected under my life insurance which I am desperately trying to pay by December 15, 2013 so it won't lapse and will assure payout of the policy amount while I finally can get away from all this pain while I go to sleep in one of my pretty dresses. I will make sure the AICPA will pay to my beneficiary in the event I succumb to my depression in this manner.
I will leave a note explaining why and the sad things we all have to face in addition to the pain and hurt. I will also leave something special for my son so he knows I will always love him but I am truly losing the fight and I don't blame myself. It's just the times we live in, the scary possibility of being homeless in the winter, the isolation and struggle I live with every day, the loss of self esteem, the 50 year struggle of having to live a lie and pretend I was fine when I was just wanting to be a girl who could live truly as she felt.
No one understands what it means to be transgender but I can tell you firsthand and it really is painful emotionally and leads to depression, isolation and a constant feeling that suicide is a way out of the struggle. The transgender community has a greater than 50% suicide rate of all groups of people for the very same things I am going through now which are job loss, discrimination, financial hardship, foreclosure, subject of hate crimes, abandonment by family, abandonment by friends, the persistent reality you must live with that you will probably be trapped and never truly free. It is not understood, accepted or recognized but I feel it has to be a matter addressed because too many good people and ending their pain because they feel unloved, unwanted and hated. I just can't live with all this pain and suffering any more.
There comes a time when you finally reach a point of desperation and I am there. I am so sorry but I had as good a life as I could have expected and hopefully everything will workout for my son, my wife and my family. Life is too painful when you can no longer enjoy it because you are literally smothering in depression, hopelessness, phobias, life long depression it seems that your only way to end the pain is by a harsh, painful and unexpected reality that you hope and pray does not have to be.
I have struggled all my life with being transgender wearing dresses underneath my school clothes, my suit and tie and just living my life. Do you know how painful it is to see a pretty girl all dressed nicely in her pretty outfit, shoes and showing her beauty, charm and intelligence every single day of her life and you just hoping you could just feel that for a day which then becomes a week and then a month and then years before you finally realize that you truly are a "girl" and feel like you were cheated. Sure I have joys as a guy as I have a family, a son but I could never tell anyone my "secret".
I was so afraid I would be laughed at and shunned from everyone. I was really contemplating suicide at 16 but a miracle happened. My cross country coach asked me a simple question that save my life back then. All he said was " I want you to run for JFK cross country, Are you up to the challenge" This innocent question gave me a new perspective on life as coach believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself. The really sad thing is I see this all replaying in my life all over again with my son who battles autism each and every day and has no sense of himself or what he hopes to do. If my life becomes too painful to go on then I have a set date, method and will inform all my family and friends when I am ready to resort to such a tragic action. It is not today nor next week or before the holidays, I can assure you.
If things continue to fall apart the most likely time for me to end the pain would be in early 2014 because that is the beginning of tax season and the wintertime and I am not doing well mentally and emotionally now so I think it will only get worse then. Please realize that suicide is not the solution and it is so painful for all but what choice do I really have, given my gloomy situation. Let's face it, aging, financial worries, family struggle and hatred of who I am and what I represent by family, former friends, former employers, former colleagues, prospective employers (if that truly exists in one of the worst economies and job markets ever) and add to it my transitioning from male to female and the discrimination card, What hope do I truly have. My thinking, NONE !!!
I will try to maintain hope and if a miracle were to come my way I would embrace it because the reality is I would never want my son to experience the pain of loss like I did with my mom and my dad who both fell victim to depression and my dad took it one step further by jumping in the path of a speeding train. My mom did it much more slowly but equally as devastating as she gave up and refused the feeding tubes as we witnessed her starve herself to death. Why does it seem there is so much hurt and suffering?
I just want my son to find his way and try to be a good person and not live a materialistic life for it really serves no purpose. I just want him to be happy, achieve his dreams and know his mother loves him and so does his "dad" even though he is really a "she", a "girl". Life sometimes is very complicated and I don't know why but it is. It is what it is. Love you Matty! I will try my best to be strong and literally fight the fight of my life. I am also very sorry sharing such personal things in public but you must understand I am opening up because I kept this all inside for 50 years and I just can't continue living in secrecy and shame and the painful truth is for those 50 years of living like that it took my having a nervous breakdown and losing my job to finally get the help I truly need. Do you think I want to suffer like this?
Of course not!
I am just a human being with feelings and emotions that I could not share with anyone for nearly 50 years and it truly messed me up and sometimes I think suicide is the ticket out of this deep depression and pain I feel. I am also sad that my son has to have his own struggles. It just seem life is so painful and all we want is our own happiness and to live our lives as we feel comfortable and not be judged or hated just because we are different and don't quite fit the "Norm". After all what does "normal" really mean? I'm a smart "girl" and still I have not figured what normal truly means.
Have any of you? I would love to know.
Thanks to all, Love, Edward D. Iannielli III aka Emily Iannielli Emily of Emily's story: Life, Family and being Transgender and Edward D Iannielli III
— with Edward D Iannielli III (20 photos)What about all the girls I used to have crushes on back then but could not say a word too them because of my painful shyness; like Janet, Beth (Actually there are many Beth's), Tracy, Barbara, Bari, Rachel, Dorothy, Lori, Patty, Lisa, Donna, Peri, Bay, Sharon, Susan, Michelle, Cindy, Wendy, Amy, Carol, Ronni, Jill, Judy, Carole, Shari, Jacqueline, Karen, Camille, Meryl, Tammy, Kerri, Daryl, Risa, Laurie, Melissa, Lynn, Jane, Nancy, Rona, Robin, Jodi, Adrienne, Jackielynn, Pamela and so many others which I am sorry for missing to say your name as my memory isn't what it once was due to my extreme depression that is sapping me of all my will to keep going on. I will miss you as you all were my role model as beautiful, intelligent and very sweet young women. I dreamed of a life as a "girl" every day and it is a shame I could never share it with you girls or anyone for that matter.
The hardest part for me is my son who I love dearly and wish to help with my heart and soul but am unable to. My wife hopefully will find the best resources for him and I at least started the process by advocating for him although it seems he and I both need a miracle. Personally, I never felt happier in all my life as Emily, the "girl" I always knew I was from deep within my soul but I can never find happiness if my son continues to struggle and the doctors don't seem to be helping.
It was the hardest thing in my life to have to face but after turning 50 and suffering the tragic suicide of my dad 2 years earlier and the unexpected death of my best friend Moises who was only 40 leaving behind a wife and baby girl forced me to seek therapy and literally open up to her in such a way that I cried as I finally knew what I had to do to find peace and happiness in my life despite my son and family. I was so confused and desperate that I literally had a nervous break down but for me to feel happy was to become the "girl" and please don't misinterpret me.
I was very happy the day I married my wife and she gave birth to my son but there was something truly missing in my life and after a breakdown, loss of job and 4 hospitalizations in psychiatric hospitals I knew what I had to do. I started on HRT and electrolysis in my transition to become a "girl" which I knew a long time ago when I would cry myself to sleep hiding under the covers in a cute dress I "borrowed" from my sister without asking. It was my security blanket and it made me feel happy inside. Sadly as Emily which I am so happy being, I still have a family to take care of but am unable to work and have more social phobias now within the context of working within an office environment and on trains and crowds.
I would feel very insecure despite my background, professionalism, experience and skill set. It breaks my heart but the only way to save my family and avoid foreclosure is to end my life as both Ed and Emily so my family will be protected under my life insurance which I am desperately trying to pay by December 15, 2013 so it won't lapse and will assure payout of the policy amount while I finally can get away from all this pain while I go to sleep in one of my pretty dresses. I will make sure the AICPA will pay to my beneficiary in the event I succumb to my depression in this manner.
I will leave a note explaining why and the sad things we all have to face in addition to the pain and hurt. I will also leave something special for my son so he knows I will always love him but I am truly losing the fight and I don't blame myself. It's just the times we live in, the scary possibility of being homeless in the winter, the isolation and struggle I live with every day, the loss of self esteem, the 50 year struggle of having to live a lie and pretend I was fine when I was just wanting to be a girl who could live truly as she felt.
No one understands what it means to be transgender but I can tell you firsthand and it really is painful emotionally and leads to depression, isolation and a constant feeling that suicide is a way out of the struggle. The transgender community has a greater than 50% suicide rate of all groups of people for the very same things I am going through now which are job loss, discrimination, financial hardship, foreclosure, subject of hate crimes, abandonment by family, abandonment by friends, the persistent reality you must live with that you will probably be trapped and never truly free. It is not understood, accepted or recognized but I feel it has to be a matter addressed because too many good people and ending their pain because they feel unloved, unwanted and hated. I just can't live with all this pain and suffering any more.
There comes a time when you finally reach a point of desperation and I am there. I am so sorry but I had as good a life as I could have expected and hopefully everything will workout for my son, my wife and my family. Life is too painful when you can no longer enjoy it because you are literally smothering in depression, hopelessness, phobias, life long depression it seems that your only way to end the pain is by a harsh, painful and unexpected reality that you hope and pray does not have to be.
I have struggled all my life with being transgender wearing dresses underneath my school clothes, my suit and tie and just living my life. Do you know how painful it is to see a pretty girl all dressed nicely in her pretty outfit, shoes and showing her beauty, charm and intelligence every single day of her life and you just hoping you could just feel that for a day which then becomes a week and then a month and then years before you finally realize that you truly are a "girl" and feel like you were cheated. Sure I have joys as a guy as I have a family, a son but I could never tell anyone my "secret".
I was so afraid I would be laughed at and shunned from everyone. I was really contemplating suicide at 16 but a miracle happened. My cross country coach asked me a simple question that save my life back then. All he said was " I want you to run for JFK cross country, Are you up to the challenge" This innocent question gave me a new perspective on life as coach believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself. The really sad thing is I see this all replaying in my life all over again with my son who battles autism each and every day and has no sense of himself or what he hopes to do. If my life becomes too painful to go on then I have a set date, method and will inform all my family and friends when I am ready to resort to such a tragic action. It is not today nor next week or before the holidays, I can assure you.
If things continue to fall apart the most likely time for me to end the pain would be in early 2014 because that is the beginning of tax season and the wintertime and I am not doing well mentally and emotionally now so I think it will only get worse then. Please realize that suicide is not the solution and it is so painful for all but what choice do I really have, given my gloomy situation. Let's face it, aging, financial worries, family struggle and hatred of who I am and what I represent by family, former friends, former employers, former colleagues, prospective employers (if that truly exists in one of the worst economies and job markets ever) and add to it my transitioning from male to female and the discrimination card, What hope do I truly have. My thinking, NONE !!!
I will try to maintain hope and if a miracle were to come my way I would embrace it because the reality is I would never want my son to experience the pain of loss like I did with my mom and my dad who both fell victim to depression and my dad took it one step further by jumping in the path of a speeding train. My mom did it much more slowly but equally as devastating as she gave up and refused the feeding tubes as we witnessed her starve herself to death. Why does it seem there is so much hurt and suffering?
I just want my son to find his way and try to be a good person and not live a materialistic life for it really serves no purpose. I just want him to be happy, achieve his dreams and know his mother loves him and so does his "dad" even though he is really a "she", a "girl". Life sometimes is very complicated and I don't know why but it is. It is what it is. Love you Matty! I will try my best to be strong and literally fight the fight of my life. I am also very sorry sharing such personal things in public but you must understand I am opening up because I kept this all inside for 50 years and I just can't continue living in secrecy and shame and the painful truth is for those 50 years of living like that it took my having a nervous breakdown and losing my job to finally get the help I truly need. Do you think I want to suffer like this?
Of course not!
I am just a human being with feelings and emotions that I could not share with anyone for nearly 50 years and it truly messed me up and sometimes I think suicide is the ticket out of this deep depression and pain I feel. I am also sad that my son has to have his own struggles. It just seem life is so painful and all we want is our own happiness and to live our lives as we feel comfortable and not be judged or hated just because we are different and don't quite fit the "Norm". After all what does "normal" really mean? I'm a smart "girl" and still I have not figured what normal truly means.
Have any of you? I would love to know.
Thanks to all, Love, Edward D. Iannielli III aka Emily Iannielli Emily of Emily's story: Life, Family and being Transgender and Edward D Iannielli III
Emily
Emily
Emily
Emily
Emily
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