Sunday, November 10, 2013

Emily shares her pain, her struggles and her thoughts on life, family, friends and why thoughts of suicide plague her

            The Serenity Prayer
           God, give me grace to accept with serenity
            the things that cannot be changed,
             Courage to change the things
            which should be changed,
            and the Wisdom to distinguish
            the one from the other.
             Living one day at a time,
             Enjoying one moment at a time,
             Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
             Taking, as Jesus did,
             This sinful world as it is,
             Not as I would have it,
             Trusting that You will make all things right,
             If I surrender to Your will,
             So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
             And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

         Author - Reinhold Niebuhr

                                                       Emily on About Me

                                         Me at around 4 years old when I knew



Matty and me at Montauk Point

Emily Part 1
Emily Part 2
Emily on Autism, TG and Life

You know that your in trouble when you finally realized your true gender identity and revel in it but find the challenges of life are dragging you down with severe depression and wanting to just go to sleep forever. That is such a painful feeling because I love my son, my family and being Emily but in my present state of mind I am unable to work with people. In fact I have social phobias working in an office setting with all the "office politics" which never interested me. I was there to work. I have such a beautiful wardrobe of very pretty and very feminine clothes and I know I can't take them with me when I die nor can I undo what has already been done. All I can do is hope and pray for better days because it would be such a tragedy to finally break through to be a woman after nearly 50 years only to succumb to financial worries, depression and a sense of hopelessness. My sense of enjoyment was never tied to my jobs but I knew I needed to work to pay my bills and now I can't work because I am a mess emotionally due to all my recent setbacks:
1) job loss
2) severe depression
3) life long struggle with gender identity since age of 4 knowing in my heart I was truly a "girl"
4) financial struggles
5) Inability to work due to severe depression, phobias of being around people, fear of being ridiculed, fear of rejection, fear of discrimination
6) Fear of going into foreclosure and being homeless
7) Fear of having to put my son in a home since he is doing miserably in school and has no outlets or friends and is 14 years old and going through a rough time and also struggles with autism, depression and low self esteem
8) Abandonment of family(my 2 sisters and family relatives)
9) Abandonment of friends
10) Loss of interest in my life
11) Feeling the life insurance will better serve my family than I can due to my complete emotional breakdown and outing myself as a male to female transgender
12) Constant thoughts of suicide
13) Feeling very isolated and alone despite having my wife, son and mother-in-law
14) The boredom of life
15) Reaching my 50's has been hard and transitioning towards becoming a woman right now and my son is the only things keeping me going
16) Desiring the full sex change operation but realizing I have more important things to worry about than having a complete female transition such as providing an education for my son and shelter for my wife, son and mother-in-law
17) Exhausting my retirement monies and being solely dependent on SSD and LTD and if I lose any I will most likely call it quits because I can't work at this point and even if I tried I would encounter a nervous breakdown
18) Realizing if we did a short sale I would lose all the money I put into this house and due to it's significant decline in value I lost big time and would still owe mortgage company because our house currently is worth less than my mortgage.
19) Disillusioned with life, government. economy, job market and reality of still having 20 years left on my mortgage and I am behind by 2 months and the magic number for foreclosure is 3 which would likely push me over the edge
20) Realizing that I want to die more than I want to live but am currently trying to hold on despite my inner struggles, worries for my son and worries for our very survival knowing I have life insurance that will be adequate to protect my family in the event I leave this place whether at my own hands or God's will and how do I know if by my own hands is not God's will. It very well may be the case.
21) Tired of the daily boring mundane life I live knowing that traditionally we retire into our 70's and then most likely die. What is the point of that. In my book that is not living or enjoying life. That is involuntary servitude and entrapment which means I have no life.
22) Puts it all into perspective for me why many have taken their lives and my dad did 4 years ago and so did my cousin so what will prevent me from doing so. In all honesty I don't know. All I know is that if I get desperate enough then that is the way it most likely will be. I would have the courtesy of leaving a note for my wife with all my insurance information if that was to be the scenario of my tortured life. Did you know that the suicide rate for people suffering from transgender especially since young childhood is more than 50% and when you fuel it with depression it is not out of the realm of possibility to just check out because life has become too painful and everything you believed in was a lie.

So very sad to feel this way.

I am seeing doctors due to my downward spiral and still not sure what the end result will be but I know I wish I could turn my pain into something positive so I can help my son and my family and enjoy being Emily. The question is am I emotionally equipped to get through all these struggles. Only time will tell and the presence of my mindset as right now I am very vulnerable and heartbroken for all the pain I feel with no sense of hope. A Life of being different can catch up with you as it has with me.

If things take a turn for the worse with the situation at hand then the scenario indicated below most likely will play out but I am not advocating for it but after all, I am only human and have weakness and vulnerabilities. Life is not so good when my two sisters ignore me and abandon me and my son punches me in the face and tries to kill me and my wife blames me for everything and the mortgage company is in a rush to take away my house with letters, phone calls and visits to my house.

I most likely will not be accepted as Emily by anyone due to my disability, depression, time out of work, history of being in psychiatric hospitals and overall feelings hopelessness and history of family suicide. If your life became so painful even when you have found happiness as a "girl" finally only to be dragged down by all these painful circumstance how could you even consider wanting to go on?

I feel life is so perplexing, painful and sad with some moments of joy and happiness but in the end we all die anyway.


Unfortunate Scenario
Once I am assured my life insurance current premium due with the AICPA is paid, though currently is late, due to my financial and medical hardships and that it won't lapse and the policy will be paid out to my family since I meet the 2 year suicide clause requirement mandated by NYS then I will prepare to say my final farewell to my family and to each and every one of you as both Ed and as Emily. I can say I lived an interesting life but I am suffering too much and will likely not get much better despite all the wonderful effort of my doctors and some really great friends from my HS days such as Jerry, Teddy, Coach, Marty, Brian, Sandy, the friends I established from the JFK cross country team like Scott, among many others.

What about all the girls I used to have crushes on back then but could not say a word too them because of my painful shyness; like Janet, Beth (Actually there are many Beth's), Tracy, Barbara, Bari, Rachel, Dorothy, Lori, Patty, Lisa, Donna, Peri, Bay, Sharon, Susan, Michelle, Cindy, Wendy, Amy, Carol, Ronni, Jill, Judy, Carole, Shari, Jacqueline, Karen, Camille, Meryl, Tammy, Kerri, Daryl, Risa, Laurie, Melissa, Lynn, Jane, Nancy, Rona, Robin, Jodi, Adrienne, Jackielynn, Pamela and so many others which I am sorry for missing to say your name as my memory isn't what it once was due to my extreme depression that is sapping me of all my will to keep going on. I will miss you as you all were my role model as beautiful, intelligent and very sweet young women. I dreamed of a life as a "girl" every day and it is a shame I could never share it with you girls or anyone for that matter.

The hardest part for me is my son who I love dearly and wish to help with my heart and soul but am unable to. My wife hopefully will find the best resources for him and I at least started the process by advocating for him although it seems he and I both need a miracle. Personally, I never felt happier in all my life as Emily, the "girl" I always knew I was from deep within my soul but I can never find happiness if my son continues to struggle and the doctors don't seem to be helping.

It was the hardest thing in my life to have to face but after turning 50 and suffering the tragic suicide of my dad 2 years earlier and the unexpected death of my best friend Moises who was only 40 leaving behind a wife and baby girl forced me to seek therapy and literally open up to her in such a way that I cried as I finally knew what I had to do to find peace and happiness in my life despite my son and family. I was so confused and desperate that I literally had a nervous break down but for me to feel happy was to become the "girl" and please don't misinterpret me.

I was very happy the day I married my wife and she gave birth to my son but there was something truly missing in my life and after a breakdown, loss of job and 4 hospitalizations in psychiatric hospitals I knew what I had to do. I started on HRT and electrolysis in my transition to become a "girl" which I knew a long time ago when I would cry myself to sleep hiding under the covers in a cute dress I "borrowed" from my sister without asking. It was my security blanket and it made me feel happy inside. Sadly as Emily which I am so happy being, I still have a family to take care of but am unable to work and have more social phobias now within the context of working within an office environment and on trains and crowds.

I would feel very insecure despite my background, professionalism, experience and skill set. It breaks my heart but the only way to save my family and avoid foreclosure is to end my life as both Ed and Emily so my family will be protected under my life insurance which I am desperately trying to pay by December 15, 2013 so it won't lapse and will assure payout of the policy amount while I finally can get away from all this pain while I go to sleep in one of my pretty dresses. I will make sure the AICPA will pay to my beneficiary in the event I succumb to my depression in this manner.

I will leave a note explaining why and the sad things we all have to face in addition to the pain and hurt. I will also leave something special for my son so he knows I will always love him but I am truly losing the fight and I don't blame myself. It's just the times we live in, the scary possibility of being homeless in the winter, the isolation and struggle I live with every day, the loss of self esteem, the 50 year struggle of having to live a lie and pretend I was fine when I was just wanting to be a girl who could live truly as she felt.

No one understands what it means to be transgender but I can tell you firsthand and it really is painful emotionally and leads to depression, isolation and a constant feeling that suicide is a way out of the struggle. The transgender community has a greater than 50% suicide rate of all groups of people for the very same things I am going through now which are job loss, discrimination, financial hardship, foreclosure, subject of hate crimes, abandonment by family, abandonment by friends, the persistent reality you must live with that you will probably be trapped and never truly free. It is not understood, accepted or recognized but I feel it has to be a matter addressed because too many good people and ending their pain because they feel unloved, unwanted and hated. I just can't live with all this pain and suffering any more.

There comes a time when you finally reach a point of desperation and I am there. I am so sorry but I had as good a life as I could have expected and hopefully everything will workout for my son, my wife and my family. Life is too painful when you can no longer enjoy it because you are literally smothering in depression, hopelessness, phobias, life long depression it seems that your only way to end the pain is by a harsh, painful and unexpected reality that you hope and pray does not have to be.

I have struggled all my life with being transgender wearing dresses underneath my school clothes, my suit and tie and just living my life. Do you know how painful it is to see a pretty girl all dressed nicely in her pretty outfit, shoes and showing her beauty, charm and intelligence every single day of her life and you just hoping you could just feel that for a day which then becomes a week and then a month and then years before you finally realize that you truly are a "girl" and feel like you were cheated. Sure I have joys as a guy as I have a family, a son but I could never tell anyone my "secret".

I was so afraid I would be laughed at and shunned from everyone. I was really contemplating suicide at 16 but a miracle happened. My cross country coach asked me a simple question that save my life back then. All he said was " I want you to run for JFK cross country, Are you up to the challenge" This innocent question gave me a new perspective on life as coach believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself. The really sad thing is I see this all replaying in my life all over again with my son who battles autism each and every day and has no sense of himself or what he hopes to do. If my life becomes too painful to go on then I have a set date, method and will inform all my family and friends when I am ready to resort to such a tragic action. It is not today nor next week or before the holidays, I can assure you.

If things continue to fall apart the most likely time for me to end the pain would be in early 2014 because that is the beginning of tax season and the wintertime and I am not doing well mentally and emotionally now so I think it will only get worse then. Please realize that suicide is not the solution and it is so painful for all but what choice do I really have, given my gloomy situation. Let's face it, aging, financial worries, family struggle and hatred of who I am and what I represent by family, former friends, former employers, former colleagues, prospective employers (if that truly exists in one of the worst economies and job markets ever) and add to it my transitioning from male to female and the discrimination card, What hope do I truly have. My thinking, NONE !!!

I will try to maintain hope and if a miracle were to come my way I would embrace it because the reality is I would never want my son to experience the pain of loss like I did with my mom and my dad who both fell victim to depression and my dad took it one step further by jumping in the path of a speeding train. My mom did it much more slowly but equally as devastating as she gave up and refused the feeding tubes as we witnessed her starve herself to death. Why does it seem there is so much hurt and suffering?

I just want my son to find his way and try to be a good person and not live a materialistic life for it really serves no purpose. I just want him to be happy, achieve his dreams and know his mother loves him and so does his "dad" even though he is really a "she", a "girl". Life sometimes is very complicated and I don't know why but it is. It is what it is. Love you Matty! I will try my best to be strong and literally fight the fight of my life. I am also very sorry sharing such personal things in public but you must understand I am opening up because I kept this all inside for 50 years and I just can't continue living in secrecy and shame and the painful truth is for those 50 years of living like that it took my having a nervous breakdown and losing my job to finally get the help I truly need. Do you think I want to suffer like this?

Of course not!

I am just a human being with feelings and emotions that I could not share with anyone for nearly 50 years and it truly messed me up and sometimes I think suicide is the ticket out of this deep depression and pain I feel. I am also sad that my son has to have his own struggles. It just seem life is so painful and all we want is our own happiness and to live our lives as we feel comfortable and not be judged or hated just because we are different and don't quite fit the "Norm". After all what does "normal" really mean? I'm a smart "girl" and still I have not figured what normal truly means.

Have any of you? I would love to know.

Thanks to all, Love, Edward D. Iannielli III aka Emily Iannielli  Emily of Emily's story: Life, Family and being Transgender and Edward D Iannielli III 
— with Edward D Iannielli III (20 photos)


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